Med upped

Sorry i haven’t been on lately, i have been dealing with the some issues that hopefully this next med change will solve. The doctor upped my latuda to 160mg hopefully it’s enough to stop the voices. I didn’t tell him about the coffee issue and that the voices were affecting me when i would eat or drink anything telling me it’s poison but i did tell him i was having problems with my mood too as well as still hear voices but i told him only when i’m out in public.

I should have told him the whole truth, i know that but this illness is hard to admit to having let alone hearing voices that no one else can hear besides you. I’m sleeping ok though and he was worried about that since before i would have night mares and wake up in the middle of the night or worse not being able to sleep at all for days at a time.

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more stereotyping

My partner’s step mother saw a news story of a paranoid schizophrenic taking hostages in Louisiana. If this had been a normal non mentally ill person it may not have made the national news. It’s a tragedy what happened, don’t get me wrong. It’s just my partner’s parents treat me already like i could flip out at any minute, and that they think i would hurt their little girl and i take my meds i go to therapy. I’m medicated, i’m stable but they don’t see that, they just see the illness.

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revelations?

I told my cousin about my mental illness and she asked if there was any traumatic event i may have gone through that could have triggered it, i didn’t at first revealed anything. But she did…so i revealed something that i haven’t told anyone, it was a real eye opener to say the least. She said if i ever had problems to call and talk to her but i don’t know if she means it.

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Should i?

I’ve been thinking about revealing to some family members that i have shizoaffective disorder, but i’m not sure if i should. I don’t want anyone to freak out and think i’m a danger to myself or others. I know i’m not dangerous, i would never hurt anyone, but that doesn’t change public opinion on mental illnesses and stereotypes. Maybe i should just keep it a secret, i just don’t have a reason for not working or going to school anymore besides my schizoaffective disorder.I have a bad back from a car accident a couple of years ago, so i could just tell them that but what if they ask more questions. I know i am a disappointment to people because i just gave up when this illness happened, but they don’t realize what a struggle this illness is to over come. Even taking a shower can be a terrifying experience sometimes.

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i love coffee

I love coffee in the morning, i’m sitting here at 6:30 in the morning up alone and it’s quiet. I like mornings like this. It’s mornings like this that i don’t think i’m sick, i feel normal like nothing is wrong with me i’m normal.But then again the voices start telling me the coffee is poisoned. Why can’t i enjoy just a simple cup of coffee without this troublesome illness bothering me, reminding me that i’m ill. I know the coffee isn’t poisoned i made it myself, but that doesn’t stop Aaron from telling me it is.I hope everyone’s day goes well today and after today.

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frustration with people

I give up on educating my partner’s parents, i tried to recommend sites that were educational when it comes to schizoaffective disorder and my partner’s step mother told my partner she didn’t want to read something that would change her opinion of me. I rented silver linings playbook, good movie but about bipolar disorder not the best movie when educating people on mental illness since he wasn’t medicated through half the movie. 

Yet they have no problems watching horror movies that portray mental illnesses as dangers and that we are all psycho killers, or those crime shows that we are all going to go and take hostages, or rape and kill little girls because the voices say so. My voices have never told me to hurt a child, so i don’t know who they’ve been talking too but they are wrong when it comes to mental illnesses. My partner says i might as well just shut up and deal with it, i’ll be dealing with stigma my whole life because i have this problem for the rest of my life. 

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good day so far

So far today is going ok, my symptoms are minimal. I’m a little paranoid though feeling like people are watching me, even when we are in the house. But i just got to remember they aren’t watching me, why would someone be watching me? I didn’t go to group this week because i guess i love sleep too much but i was hoping to spend some time with my partner. That’s why we are going out for lunch tomorrow. I just keep getting anxious because we are suppose to get a new puppy in about 7 weeks. Pets are alot of responsibility for someone with schizoaffective disorder, or even a normal person would be overwhelmed a bit with our pets.

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television sensitivity

I use to be a huge horror movie buff, but since i’ve gotten sick again i just can’t watch scary or violent television or movies. It sucks i use to like watching crime shows like deadly women or even scripted crime shows like law and order but those shows now just reminded me that supposedly mental ill people are dangerous. On several episodes of SVU mentally ill people are portrayed as dangerous and unstable individuals who desperately need to be kept in a hospital setting or we will go out and rape and murder. But on a couple of other episodes we are the victim and in the end because medication made them face reality they kill themselves. Sorry just frustrated with stereotypes.

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Amanda Bynes

There is a lot of talk about Amanda Bynes in the news lately saying she is displaying, “schizoprenic tendencies”. I’m not sure how i feel about those words being used to describe a famous person. Apparently she tried to set fire to an elderly lady’s drive way while spilling gasoline on her own poor dog. Why do they report stuff like this? My partner’s parents already watch me like a hawk now they are concerned i’ll start wearing bizarre wigs and set fire to their dogs! I say leave her alone, let her get help for whatever problems she has and maybe she can get better with her doctor’s help. I

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ups and downs

I hate the ups and down of the illness, sometimes i’m happy and feel like i can do anything, others i feel so depressed and just worthless. The hallucinations haven’t helped. Luckily i haven’t really had any problems with seeing and hearing things in awhile its the manic/depressed symptoms i’m having problems with. Today i feel like crap that’s stuck to the bottom of a sneaker. I think it has something to do with the stress i’m under for when the first comes up. I get my SSI on the first, i hate that day. It’s just a reminder of the only reason i think people keep me around. I get a regular scheduled income every month that’s it. My parents want me home to stay with them but they didn’t start offering for that until my mom had to quit her job because of her eyesight. Sometimes i think my partner’s parents only want me around to take care of their dogs and of course for that money. I don’t know maybe i’m just down in the dumps today, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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